How does a child respond to death?
When someone dies, it can be difficult to know how to help your child cope with the loss, particularly as you work through your own grief.

Whether the death was expected or the person had been ill. Be honest with your child and encourage questions. This can be hard to do because you may not have many of the answers. 

The child's age and level of understanding and how the death affects their life.

Infants
Infants may feel the loss mainly because it affects the way in which they are looked after and their daily routine. They are very sensitive to the unhappy feelings of those around them, and may become anxious, difficult to settle and more needy of attention. 

Pre-school
Pre-school children usually see death as temporary and reversible - a belief reinforced by cartoon characters that `die' and `come to life' again. Until kids are about 5 or 6 years old, their view of the world is very literal. So it's a good idea to explain the death in terms that are basic and concrete. If the person was ill or elderly, for example, you might explain that the person's body wasn't working anymore and the doctors couldn't fix it. If the person dies suddenly, like in an accident, you might explain what happened - that because of this very sad event, the person's body stopped working. You may have to explain that "dying" or "dead" means that the body stopped working.

Avoid  telling your child that the person who died just "went away" or "went to sleep" or even that your family "lost" the person. Because young kids think so literally, such phrases might make your child afraid to go to sleep or fearful whenever someone goes away.

School Aged
Children from about the age of 5 are able to understand basic facts about death:
• it happens to all living things 
• it has a cause 
• it involves permanent separation. 

They can also understand that dead people do not need to eat or drink and do not see, hear, speak or feel. 

Younger children believe that they cause what happens around them. They may worry that they caused the death by being naughty. A 5-year-old who asks where a person who died is now, isn't asking whether there's an afterlife. The child maybe satisfied hearing that the person who died is now in the cemetery. This will be a good time to share your beliefs about an afterlife or heaven if that is part of your belief.

Kids from the ages of about 6 to 10 start to grasp the finality of death, even if they don't understand that it will happen to every living thing one day. A 9-year-old may think, for example, that if he just behaves or makes a wish or finds a lucky penny, he won't die or grandma won't die. Often, children in this age group personify death and think of it as the "boogeyman" or a ghost or a skeleton. They deal best with death when given accurate, simple, clear, and honest explanations for what happened.

Teenagers
Teenagers are able to understand death much more like adults, and are very aware of the feelings of others. Teenagers may find it difficult to put their feelings into words, and may not show their feelings openly, for fear of upsetting others.

As kids mature into teens, they start to understand that every human being eventually dies, regardless of grades, behavior, wishes, or anything they try to do.

Questions may naturally come up about their own mortality and vulnerability. Teens also tend to search more for meaning in the death of someone close to them. A teen who asks why someone had to die probably isn't looking for literal answers, but starting to explore the idea of the meaning of life. Teens also tend to experience some guilt, particularly if one of their peers died. Whatever your teen is experiencing, the best thing you can do is to encourage the expression and sharing of grief.

Most children get angry and worried, as well as sad, about death. Anger is a natural reaction to the loss of someone who was essential to the child's sense of stability and safety. A child may show this anger in boisterous play, by being irritable, or in nightmares. Anxiety is shown in `babyish' talk and behaviour, and demanding food, comfort and cuddles.

The circumstances of the death also affect the impact on the child. Each family responds in its own way to death. Religion and culture will have an important influence on what happens. 

Other factors that can make a big difference from the child's point of view are:
• how traumatic the death was - a traumatic death can be harder to cope with 
• whether the death was sudden or expected, a relief from suffering or a `crushing blow' 
• the effect of grief on other family members, especially if they are not able to cope with giving the child the care they need 
• how much practical support is available to help the family cope. 

Early stages of Grief
Adults sometimes try to protect children from pain by not telling them what has happened.

Experience shows that children benefit from knowing the truth at an early stage. They may even want to see the dead relative. The closer the relationship, the more important this is. 

Is it right to take kids to funerals? It's entirely up to you and your child. It's completely appropriate to let your child take part in any mourning ritual - if your child wants to. First explain what happens at a funeral or memorial and give your child the choice of whether to go.

A child who is frightened about attending a funeral should not be forced to go. However, except for very young children, it is usually important to find a way to enable them to say goodbye. For example, they can light a candle, say a prayer, or visit the grave.

My 7 year old asked if her grandfather's eyes and teeth where burned up too (he was cremated) or if they where sitting in tack with his ashes. She showed more curiosity than grief - though she had become for clingy and scared that I will die too.

Later on
Once children accept the death, they are likely to display their feelings of sadness, anger and anxiety on and off, over a long period of time, and often at unexpected moments. The surviving relatives should spend as much time as possible with the child, making it clear that they can show their feelings openly, without fear of upsetting others. 

Sometimes a child may `forget' that the family member has died, or persist in the belief that they are still alive. This is normal in the first few weeks following a death, but may cause problems if it continues.

Warning signs that a child is not coping
• a long period of depression, with loss of interest in daily activities and events 
• inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone 
• acting like a much younger child for a long time 
• denying that the family member has died 
• imitating the dead person all the time 
• talking repeatedly about wanting to join the dead person 
• withdrawing from friends
• a sharp drop in school performance, or refusal to attend school. 

These warning signs indicate that professional help may be needed. A child and adolescent psychiatrist or child psychotherapist can help the child to accept the death, and also assist the survivors to find ways of helping the child through the mourning process. Your general practitioner will be able to offer you help and advice, and can refer you and your child to your local child and adolescent mental health service. 
 

Source/Reference: 
Heegard, M. (1991) 'When Someone Very Special Dies - Children can Learn to Cope with Grief' Minneapolis, MN: Woodland Press.
http://www.liveandlearn.com/learn.html. 
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html
 
 

This information should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your physician. There may be variations in treatment that your physician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.